um, hi. here i am. i've been so busy this week, and i can't even figure out why. i have 3 blog posts in my drafts with pictures all ready just waiting to be written and published but i haven't had any time to sit down and write anything.
also, this blog post will be light on the pictures and heavy on the words. it will equal my guts spilled all over this hizzle.
probably because it's been a pretty rough week with my daughter, little a. she has been in rare form since we got back from San Diego two weeks ago. she just generally has a strong willed personality, but i feel like lately she has been testing the waters more than normal. in retrospect, i'm sure she is missing her friends and family back home in SD, just like we are, and is struggling to deal with those feelings. i mean, shes' 3... how can she articulate how she's feeling?
i'm constantly feeling overwhelmed, and at my end with her. like yesterday when she bit her brother at one point in the day, then started screaming and running away from me in the library at another point. i'm standing there, with 5475687365 books in my arms trying to quietly get her to come back over to me because Lord knows i'm not gonna chase her. and all the people gave me side eye.
these are not my favorite moments. but i feel like the Lord is allowing me to live in these moments, more regularly, because they are teachable moments for me. and i so desperately want to learn from them... if only i could get control of MY emotions. but i keep hearing that He wants me to LOSE CONTROL? wait, what? i'm sorry Lord, i'm not hearing you correctly... you want this OCD, power loving, control freak mama to {gulp} lose control?
eeek.
but for reals. He does. because the sooner i lose control, the sooner i am freed from all the guilt, and shame, and pride, and worry that i carry around as a parent... because He is in control of all that AND MY DAUGHTER! can i get an AMEN?
and i am also comforted lately by the sense that i'm not alone. i've read several blog posts lately about how other moms are struggling too. on Jones Design Company, talking about being a mother of four, i love how she says, "Someone once said that parenting is not so much about teaching a child as it is about refining a parent". SO. TRUE. and can we just talk about the refining process for a sec? super tough.
and i weeped my eyes out after reading Hello From The Nato's post about thinking her kids were her own. when she says, "i find myself having to say, God this baby is yours. because for a minute there, i thought she was mine." i'm all, RIGHT!!!?? i totally thought my kids were my own. i mean, God gave me authority over them, right? they are my blessing, right? so why can't i have control over them? because that's not the relationship that is supposed to be mirrored to our kids about how God works. someone once told me that God didn't create us like sheep to be locked up in a pen. He created us to run free, and when we choose Him it is even sweeter.
that's my job too. to teach my kids to choose to obey. teach them responsibilty. but i am totally still learning that for my freaking self!!!!
and when i was talking with my mentor yesterday about living in guilt, i was all, "but i totally know that and am working on it." like, that's something else for me to try to control. hey, i need an action plan, to work out my control issues. she lovingly reminded me that that is God's job. he he ehhhhh.
long story long... i'm struggling. but i'm seeking the Lord in my struggle to meet my needs. and i make it through each day, by a hair and a lot of grace. but at least i make it.
ok, i'm good. i got it out. thanks.
side story: have you ever wanted a piece of clothing so bad for so long that you thought would just put together like 20 outfits in your closet if you had it? well, i have. and it's a denim shirt. i finally snagged one up for $6 at Plato's closet the other day and have worn it 4 days in a row. because that's how many outfits it goes with, so far. and the funny thing is that it's a Miley Cyrus brand. when i told my husband i got a Miley Cyrus shirt he thought it was a big graphic tee with her face all over it. um, no. i would not be about that.
{ME}
gray vneck shirt old navy / denim button up plato's closet / navy blue cords old navy / navy blue flats GAP / flannel infinity scarf made my me / what i did noddin' my head like, yeah. party in the USA (bought bathroom essentials at Target, totally the same thing)
{BIG A}
tshirt target / flannel thrifted / jeans quiksilver from nordy's / shoes gifted from children's place / what he did rocked the high jump with attitude
{LITTLE A}
shirt gifted / skirt hand me down / cardi gifted from target / tights walmart / shoes target / what she did worked me with her charming ways, the ushe
thank guys, for letting me get it all out.
love, tara
