forever changed

five years ago today my life changed forever. before this day, five years ago, i had no idea what becoming a mom would mean. i had no idea that God's grace would get me through so many sleepless nights to come. i had no idea that i could overcome my innate disgust of boogers to relieve my child from the inability to breath clearly. i had no idea that my ability to love someone more than myself would be possible. i had no idea i would be constantly faced with how selfish i am. i had no idea that making a quick trip to Target would sometimes take an hour because a certain little person wanted to stop and read books or admire the toy section. i had no idea i would occasionally leave my cart in said toy section to carry a screaming child into the bathroom for consequences. i had no idea that God's plan for me to disciple someone would mean that it would be my children. 

but i quickly learned. and what a deeply humbling and intensely fierce love i have gained for it all. 

i would never change a single moment of the change this boy has meant to my life. 

i also had no idea that having one would mean having two. and how much more magnified the changes would be. good and bad.

we spent 3 days in the hospital with him before naming him Asher Elijah, which in Hebrew means "blessed or happy" "the Lord is God". we brought him home and life was complete. i enjoyed my role as a mom and savored every moment with him for the first year. his little personality revealed a deep love for cars. he would often be found carrying one in each hand, and never without any. suddenly every car that passed him by (which was EVERY CAR) was a new marvel and he would yell, "CAAAAAA!!!" in a Boston accent. 

shortly after he turned one i became pregnant with our second child. and my priority shifted. i still enjoyed him. i still cherished him. but i was now divided. i daydreamed about my girl. and in some of that daydreaming i felt detached from my son. like i was losing him. he became more of a daddy's boy and didn't need me so much. a change i thought natural and allowed to happen without a fight. 

after the birth of our daughter, this divide widened. partly because of the unemployment of my husband and the extra need for his help with our newborn, we grew apart. i could see it but i didn't know how to change it. my buddy didn't want me and my tiny girl NEEDED me. i couldn't, and didn't, stop the drift. 

when my daughter became less dependant and my husband found employment 10 months later i started the process of rebuilding the bond. there were times when i felt he just HATED me. forcing him to spend time with me was painful. the process felt like i was ripping him away from his daddy, when i just wanted him to gain a mommy.

it's been a long road, with resistance from us both. sometimes it was just easier to let daddy do it and not deal with the tantrum. sometimes i just didn't want to feel the pain of him screaming for daddy. but over the years, and thankfully due to the diligence of my husband and i, we grew closer. 

he's my buddy again. and in some ways i feel a stronger bond. he asks for me some nights. he can only be comforted by me sometimes. he NEEDS me again. and i need him. 

today we celebrate his life. the gift that he is. how God so entrusted us with such a gem i will never fully understand. we are grateful and in awe of the treasure he is. 

happy birthday Asher. you are my special buddy. 

love,

mommy

my dad is a rockstar!

this is my dad:

isn't he awesome!?!?!

what we wore wednesday

 i am wayyyy behind this week. but that's ok because this is my blog and i'm allowed to give myself freedom in when i'm making posts. its good for me to get out of routine occasionally. i'm growing.

both the kids were sick over the weekend and Big A missed two days of school this week. plus, i hung out with Cherish on Wednesday night and stayed out too late. i still feel like i'm catching up on sleep after that. but it was so worth it. my time with her is always quality. i love her. she is part of why i love Fresno. wait, did i just say i love Fresno? eh. maybe.

i still struggle with this "what we wore wednesday". it is so awkward taking pictures of yourself for all the world to see. i look at so many other blogs, whether fashion or just mamas documenting outfits, and they all look so cute with their poses, sitting pretty with their babies. i always wonder what the behind the scenes are for those cute blogs. do those mamas get frustrated when their kids don't want to take pictures. who takes the pictures for them. are they all, "where should i look, down at my feet, or thoughtfully in the distance?"... ha, it's all just so funny! i guess i'm just not comfortable behind the camera.

in case any of you are wondering what this photo shoot was like, i will tell you. and make sure to hold on to your britches, because it was action packed and filled with drama. 

Little a was driving her all-terrain sweet quad over mounds off dried grass and boulders when i called to her saying, "come here". and she did. then i took this picture. 

riveting. i know. 

Big A's process was much like Little a's. he was there, i called him here. he got his game face on and shot me this wicked smolder, and i pointed and clicked. done.

this week the kids did better at taking my pictures. Big A is the one i trust more holding my iphone, and he knows to make sure to get my head AND my feet in the shot. he said, "mom, i got your shoes, don't worry!". 

for reals. 

what am i doing to my kids? 

anyway. i got my loafers for $6 from a thrift store and love them! i just don't know how to wear them. i made a board on Pinterest and this was one of the photos i pinned as inspiration for my outfit. 

not quite the same, but i'm trying to work with what i've got!

i'm just excited that my hair is now long enough to put in a side braid. it makes my "get up and go" lifestyle so much easier. this week, i washed my hair during my evening shower, then never styled it. i've been doing a lot of messy buns and side braids. i was thinking of growing out my bangs, but i saw some old pictures of myself with bangs and now i'm changing my mind. 

also, i only wash my hair like every 5 days or something icky and stinky like that... so i recently bought some dry shampoo, thinking my hair would be less icky and stinky by the 5th day. WRONG. not only did my hair stay icky, now it looks like I HAVE DANDRUFF AND AM GOING GRAY. it leaves this weird grayish powder/film at your roots. my husband got real close to my scalp and announced that it's flaky. 

not hot. 

if you come in for a hug today you're gonna get the side-hug shut down. for your own sake. 

x x (<------ little hug, little hug),

tara

our paleo meals today

we've been trying to eat paleo for almost a month now. it's had it's challenges, but we are sticking to it and feeling good. i wanted to show you what a day looks like for us, kids and all, hunter/gatherer style (basically, no more happiness). 

first off, i meal plan. i spend about an hour scouring cookbooks and online recipes to find meals i feel would meet the paleo guidelines and also be tasty enough for the kids to actually eat. we live on a budget and i try to make sure i'm not being wasteful, so meal planning helps me buy what we need and eat what we buy. i don't have a big list of paleo food blogs to use as a resource yet, but one i go to often is PaleoPlan.com. 

for breakfast we had baked eggs in bacon rings (i omitted the onions and mushrooms for the kids sake) and paleo zucchini bread. i made whipped coconut cream from a recipe i found on Pinterest and topped my morning coffee with it. 

i adapted a recipe for the zucchini bread from my Betty Crocker cook book:

3 c shredded zucchini

1 tsp stevia + 1/3 c honey (someone online said the stevia to sugar ratio was 1c sugar to 1 tsp stevia and boy were they wrong! the bread turned out more savory than sweet, which was NOT a pleasant surprise.  i need to try this again)

2/3 c coconut oil (the bread was really greasy so i think i'll half it next time)

2 tsp vanilla

4 large eggs

2 c almond meal

1 c tapioca flour

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp salt

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground cloves

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/2 c chopped walnuts

mix wet ingredients. add dry ingredients. bake in loaf pan for 50 minutes. makes two loafs. 

little a loved it. big A said never to make it again. my husband topped it with honey. 

for the kids lunch i gave them some cubed ham, a hard boiled egg, sugar snap peas, baby carrots, and some grapes. i ate the same thing, on an adult plate. i'm a firm believer that your children learn their eating habits from you and i want to be a good example by feeding them what i would eat and eating each meal with them. 

dinner was a recipe i adapted for chicken tortilla soup, so now i'm calling it mexican chicken soup. 

2 tbsp olive oil

1 onion, chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

1 can fire roasted diced tomatoes

2 medium zucchinis, chopped

6 c chicken broth

2 large boneless, skinless chicken breasts

3 tbsp chopped cilantro 

juice from half a lime

avocado

heat oil. add onions and saute til translucent. add garlic, cook til fragrant. add broth, zucchini, and tomatoes. bring to a boil, then add chicken. simmer for 20 mins. remove chicken, let cool. shred chicken. add cilantro and lime juice to soup. salt to taste. add chicken. garnish with avocado. 

the kids and the husband all LOVED this. for reals. so tasty. 

snacks for the day include my fav trail mix (almonds, walnuts & dried blueberries), a smoothie, apples and peanut butter, veggies and hummus. 

mkay, it's a little after 8pm and now i'm starving. some of the challenges i'm facing with this type of diet are being super hungry about 30 minutes after a full meal. i feel  like i'm CONSTANTLY running out of food. we are consuming so much more because we are always hungry. my kids wake up STARVING. they cannot wait even 5 minutes, sometime they can't fall asleep at night because they are so hungry right after dinner and we have to give them a snack. oh, i'm also cooking more. which means more dishes. 

it's hard to keep food in the house and stay satisfied. it's also really hard when my blood sugar drops and all i want is a freaking PASTRY! it's also hard to be on Pinterest and see all those dang fall pumpkin trifles and breakfast casseroles. 

ok. now i'm getting more hungry. 

and a little angry. 

you should totally try paleo. i think you'd like it. 

i made it sound awesome, huh? 

kisses,

keepin-it-real-tara

switching it up

last night i made a few changes to the blog. i added some photos of my fam over in the side bar -----> and some "about us" text. while i think what she said is true of most parents of young children, i must give credit where it is due. i was heavily inspired by a young mom in the blog world, whom i have never met, that i pray for regularly. i stumbled upon her a couple years ago for some cute crafty thing she made and have been a regular reader since. i love her humble heart. as the years have passed her life has taken some unsuspecting turns. if you'd like to read her story and join me in praying for her you can click on the link i provide below. 

having 5 kids, i think Megan Russell said it best, over on her blog Night Song. 

"one day there will be no…
living room floor strewn like an obstacle course with legos.
trail of flip-flops littered from front door to stairs.
shoulder of my shirt smeared with cheeto stained fingers.
juice spills on the freshly mopped kitchen floor.
grimy handprints adorning the door frames.
sticky fruit snacks and graham crackers ground into the car mats.
middle of the night interruptions for bad dreams. or water. or snuggles.
noses being wiped on my leg.
made-up songs and stories bombarding for my attention.
fights to break up over who had what first.
songs to sing to sleepy little heads in bed.
car seats to buckle. and unbuckle.
boogers smeared on the walls.
complaints of “i don’t like this…” at mealtime.
whiny voices clamoring for snack-time.
bottles to fill in the middle of the night.
wiggly teeth to be lost. and hidden under pillows.
tangled hair to comb through and braid.
diapers to change. bottoms to be wiped.
scraped knees to pray for. and kiss. and bandage up.
little voices calling my name through the house.
funny stick people art and comic strips drawn just for me.
interruptions while i’m in the bathroom.
stories to be read. and told.
bikes+scooters being ridden in the kitchen. and over my toes.
new stunts or creations to be admired.
little people smothering me on the couch during movie time.

and i will miss it so. every little thing.
may i savor each detail while it is here and now.
oh. how much richer my life is because of them."

xoxo, tara

Always Adoring: family room couch vote

that's right. i said Always Adoring. yes, i realize they both start with A's. i can't help myself. there are two things i love most in life (not ANYWHERE close as much as my family... and yellow cake...but still) and they are alliteration and matching. hence the reason i'm always trying to make up blog titles that are so cutesy aaaaand i like my eye shadow to match my sweater, and earring, and purse. BARF! i can't help it. so you better get used to it. 

so now that i'm over planning out all the decorations for our {possibly} new kitchen... Lord willing... i'm on to the next inspiration for our {possibly} new family room, below.

view from hall entry

 ok. first things first. if this place becomes our sweet baby the first thing i'm gonna do, after painting, is chip away at those hideous '90's contemporary tiles. ick. some people like them, i do not. 

view from kitchen

 i would really prefer to have something classic, and timeless. also, something that will give it long lasting appeal, way after we're gone. something like white glass subway tile. yeah, that's it. 

via

view from back doors

since it isn't a ginormous room, i think it would be best to get a smallish couch and two chairs flanking the fireplace. the (currently non-existent) flat screen T.V. would be mounted over the fireplace to save precious floor space. one thing i know for sure, besides how much i hate the tile on the fireplace, is that i want to paint the room a dark teal color. living in apartments my whole life (read: WHITE WALLS EVERYWHERE!!!) i would like to go bold and rich. so you will have to visualize all the items below against a darker palette. going so dark means the options for furniture need to be on the lighter side. i've narrowed it down to two options. 

without further adieu.... i give you GRAY COUCH vs. TAN COUCH. dun. DUN. DUN.....

i luh-huv this room. i almost didn't do a tan couch version cause i just loved this one so much. it's sophisticated and playful. 

No.1} these curtains would be nice and airy hung over the french doors leading to the pool. plus, it would be a nice contrast to the darker wall. 

No.2} i feel like this cardboard taxidermy would make it feel more casual as opposed to the formal living room. 

No. 3} i love this print. 

No. 4} and this print.

No. 5} and this print.

No. 6} gray couch. cheap and washable. yes please!

No. 7} i love this pillow. 

No. 8} and this pillow. 

No. 9} and this pillow. 

No. 10} dreamy chair. dreamy, dreamy chair. 

No. 11} i would paint something like this white.

No. 12}  playful rug. not so expensive i would cry over spilled milk either.

once i finished the board for this room, i loved it just the same. they're like my children. how can you admit to loving one more? now i can't choose. this one is more on the eclectic side and still playfull... but it all looks so nice together. 

i. love. color. 

No. 1} these curtains are like the sunshine.

No. 2} i think i just love this cardboard taxidermy, and i don't care who knows it. 

No. 3} Wizard of Oz was one of my favs growing up. this print is one of my favs.

No. 4} this print is so bright and graphic.

No. 5} um, i love California. can you tell?

No. 6} tan couch. still cheap. still easy to clean.

No. 7} i love this pillow. 

No. 8} and this pillow. 

No. 9} and this pillow. 

No. 10} the name of this chair is "cute-as-a-button". true story.

No. 11} i love polka dots. i love polka dot rugs.

No. 12} pretty. pretty. pretty.

ok guys. which is your fav? 

xoxo,

getting-in-wayyyyy-over-my-head-cause-we-haven't-even-closed-yet-tara

what we wore wednesday

today IS Wednesday, right? i'm all thrown off since Monday was a holiday. 

today was such a battle to get my kids to cooperate for "what we wore Wednesday". they DID NOT want to be in pictures and they most certainly did not want to take any pictures. especially not of me. i found myself telling my kids, "please take a picture of mommy, just do it. obey!" um, super awkward. but i have a commitment here people. i mean, i know you all race to your computer every Wednesday to see how cutting edge my little family is! ha! 

i do feel bad, i mean this isn't that important, i'm the only one who really cares. it was just coming down to an obedience thing, i had to win. weird thing to win at... but i'm the mom. 

so first up is Big A. 

this picture is terrible, something went wrong and the quality is bad but you get the point. he chose a sea foam green tee from Target, and gray shorts, also from Target. the navy blue slip ons are from Nordstrom's Rack, and the lanyard with the froggy toy on the end that you can't see is what he won for selling $25 worth of cookie dough yesterday. (he got two more froggies today!) he asked to have his hair slicked and is posing like "Captain America throwing his shield". perfect. 

 next we have little a. 

the tiny purple flower tank is from Old Navy and i made the circle skirt using this tutorial. (um, it's really hard to cut out a perfect circle, don't mind the fact that it's really an OVAL!) flippies from Old Navy as well. the darling backpack that is 3/4's her size was a gift from my sister for her birthday, and of course you have to have your Hello Kitty lunch box! (she wanted to wear all this to drop Big A off at school.) 

then there was me. 

this is probably the 6th attempt at a full body shot, in focus. neither of my kids would put any effort in (hence the fact that Big A is drinking his smoothie in the shot). but alas, we prevailed. i'm wearing a coral colored tee, navy blue Gap skirt, thrifted tan belt, and thrifted mocs. oh, and thrifted bracelet. 

ugh. these guys. next time i'm going to bribe them with gum. 

xoxo,

mean-mom