forever changed

five years ago today my life changed forever. before this day, five years ago, i had no idea what becoming a mom would mean. i had no idea that God's grace would get me through so many sleepless nights to come. i had no idea that i could overcome my innate disgust of boogers to relieve my child from the inability to breath clearly. i had no idea that my ability to love someone more than myself would be possible. i had no idea i would be constantly faced with how selfish i am. i had no idea that making a quick trip to Target would sometimes take an hour because a certain little person wanted to stop and read books or admire the toy section. i had no idea i would occasionally leave my cart in said toy section to carry a screaming child into the bathroom for consequences. i had no idea that God's plan for me to disciple someone would mean that it would be my children. 

but i quickly learned. and what a deeply humbling and intensely fierce love i have gained for it all. 

i would never change a single moment of the change this boy has meant to my life. 

i also had no idea that having one would mean having two. and how much more magnified the changes would be. good and bad.

we spent 3 days in the hospital with him before naming him Asher Elijah, which in Hebrew means "blessed or happy" "the Lord is God". we brought him home and life was complete. i enjoyed my role as a mom and savored every moment with him for the first year. his little personality revealed a deep love for cars. he would often be found carrying one in each hand, and never without any. suddenly every car that passed him by (which was EVERY CAR) was a new marvel and he would yell, "CAAAAAA!!!" in a Boston accent. 

shortly after he turned one i became pregnant with our second child. and my priority shifted. i still enjoyed him. i still cherished him. but i was now divided. i daydreamed about my girl. and in some of that daydreaming i felt detached from my son. like i was losing him. he became more of a daddy's boy and didn't need me so much. a change i thought natural and allowed to happen without a fight. 

after the birth of our daughter, this divide widened. partly because of the unemployment of my husband and the extra need for his help with our newborn, we grew apart. i could see it but i didn't know how to change it. my buddy didn't want me and my tiny girl NEEDED me. i couldn't, and didn't, stop the drift. 

when my daughter became less dependant and my husband found employment 10 months later i started the process of rebuilding the bond. there were times when i felt he just HATED me. forcing him to spend time with me was painful. the process felt like i was ripping him away from his daddy, when i just wanted him to gain a mommy.

it's been a long road, with resistance from us both. sometimes it was just easier to let daddy do it and not deal with the tantrum. sometimes i just didn't want to feel the pain of him screaming for daddy. but over the years, and thankfully due to the diligence of my husband and i, we grew closer. 

he's my buddy again. and in some ways i feel a stronger bond. he asks for me some nights. he can only be comforted by me sometimes. he NEEDS me again. and i need him. 

today we celebrate his life. the gift that he is. how God so entrusted us with such a gem i will never fully understand. we are grateful and in awe of the treasure he is. 

happy birthday Asher. you are my special buddy. 

love,

mommy